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Comment by José Balido on September 15, 2009 at 12:50pm

If you have a weak stomach, stop right here.

If, on the other hand, you take private delight in the misfortunes of a man who has traveled to glamorous places like London, Paris, and Pigeon Forge, Tennessee for a living, read on.

Picture it: an idealistic, young (OK, 38-year-old) travel writer sets out on a hardship assignment to cover the dining scene back in the heady days of fin-de-siècle London.

The journey started out innocently enough as I boarded the American Airlines plane at JFK, my tummy practically giddy with the anticipation of all the culinary wonders that awaited at the end of the Transatlantic crossing. As I took my seat in the very last row of the plane, a pleasant-looking older woman in a happy floral print, the kind of woman you’d like to have tea and little lilac-scented candies with, greeted me with a strangely robotical “Welcome! Welcome!” It was the kind of greeting you’d expect from the Coneheads, or maybe that old robot on “Lost in Space,” though you’re probably too young to remember that. Anyway, I greeted her back with a single “Thank you,” sat down, and started to pray quietly, something I mostly do on airplanes just before takeoff.

Just as the flight attendants were wheeling out the beverage carts, my pleasant neighbor (let’s call her Sally), who’d not made any conversation since her double greeting, extracted three pill bottles from her purse and took one capsule from each, which she neatly arranged on her tray table, each one perfectly perpendicular to the left edge. A feeling of warmth rushed over me: as a moderate obsessive-compulsive, I understood that woman. We were at one on the importance of the proper alignment of small objects.

But I digress. When the flight attendant offered drinks, Sally did not ask for tea, as I’d expected, but a bottle of red wine. I remember thinking, “Red wine and pills? For what is clearly a mental disorder, and Lord knows what else? This can’t be good.” But who was I to stand between that woman and her wine? Powerless, I watched as Sally filled her delicate plastic goblet and chugged the pills down.

When dinner arrived, I forgot all about my neighbor and her pills, as I’d rushed to the airport with no time for dinner and was, quite frankly, famished. Sally dug in with equal gusto, mumbling something that sounded like “Good!” through a mouthful of her entrée.

Suddenly, with no prior warning, not even a rumble of her belly, Sally erupted in the most impressive display of projectile vomiting man or beast has ever witnessed. It filled her tray; it covered my pants; it went on the floor, on the upholstery of the seatback in front of me. Sally was, in a perverse way, an awesome sight.

Nothing in my life had prepared me for this moment. What do you do when a perfect stranger hurls all over you and everything in sight? My Cub Scout training rose to the occasion to save the day, and I did the most practical thing I could think of: I hit the flight attendant call button.

If you’ve made it this far and haven’t woofed your own cookies, now’s a good time to fasten your seatbelt, for the story gets worse. Sally, with that British sangfroid that I’d admired until that very moment and rarely since, decided to act as if nothing had happened. There was nothing on the floor, on my pants, or on her bœuf bourguignon, which she delicately skewered with her fork and introduced into her waiting mouth, never mind that funny sauce on top.

This is where my own upbringing failed me. I flew out of that seat and into the lavatory, manically wiping my pants with every paper towel in sight. It was all I could do to keep my own entrée down, but rallying like a true Scout, I managed to stumble back to my seat, where a flight attendant in a HAZMAT suit (OK, I kid!) was spreading a sanitizing white powder everywhere. She looked in my eyes and I could see the same look of fear and revulsion that I felt, not to mention the urgent desire to throttle the poor old biddy.

“Is there another seat?” I whispered, some vestige of kindness still wanting to preserve Sally’s notion that nothing had happened. Maybe they’d upgrade me to Business or First Class? At that point, I would have taken the cargo hold. Anywhere away from that acrid smell that now filled the rear of the cabin.

The flight attendant’s words tumbled from her lips like an old Gypsy’s curse:

“I’m sorry, Sir. The flight is completely full.”

Comment by José Balido on August 27, 2009 at 10:38pm

Oh Wendy. Really.

Comment by Wendy Capra on August 27, 2009 at 10:35pm

I just had to share this gag I heard on Conan this week:

Scientists say taking Viagra may help travelers overcome jet lag...

(And help them return to their original upright position)

nyuk nyuk nyuk...

Comment by Ed Wetschler on August 15, 2009 at 11:39am

You mean Hungarian Phrasebook was fiction? Disappointing.

Comment by José Balido on August 15, 2009 at 10:42am

Proving, Mr. Wetschler, that Miami is stranger than fiction..............

Comment by Ed Wetschler on August 15, 2009 at 10:38am

I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's a connection between the "Dumbest Moments" story and the Hungarian Phrasebook sketch (scroll down). Warning to self: Be more careful with the"Hot! Spanish for Guys and Girls" phrasebook.

Comment by José Balido on August 14, 2009 at 11:32pm

And now, the latest (or is it the first?) nominee for "Dumbest Moments in Airport History" comes from our very own backyard: A British comedian was detained at MIA (that's Miami International Airport, for those of you who haven't been blessed with a chance to sample its many delights) for... get this... "sounding Cuban."

Read the full story on Gadling: http://www.gadling.com/2009/08/14/united-states-makes-a-fool-of-itself-arrests-uk-comedian-for

Any other candidates from you frequent flyers out there??

Comment by David Paul Appell on August 3, 2009 at 3:16pm

I just got an interesting advisory from Visit Britain about the Isles of Scilly, a five-island group off the southwestern tip of England, including the following information:

"St Mary’s - the largest of the five isles is the hub of activity and boasts stunning coastal trails, adventure activities and arts & craft galleries. From March 29 to April 4, 2010, take part in “Walk Scilly” which hosts themed guided walks like archaeology and flora/fauna around the island."

It actually sounds delightful. I was just wondering if they by any chance have a Ministry of Scilly Walks...? (You have to be a Python fan, sorry)

Comment by José Balido on July 26, 2009 at 9:17pm

Back in 1992, we were driving a rental car from Vilnius to Riga along one of those Soviet-era highways that shot straight as an arrow across the flat fields of Latvia and Lithuania. With few cars, gas shortages and literally no drivers around for miles and miles, I hit the gas like I'd never done before (or since): up to 200 km/hr (120 mph!). It was a surreal feeling, like someone had dropped a neutron bomb and all the drivers had been incinerated, and we were surveying the damage from our nimble spacecraft.

As we approached a small town whose name I will never remember, a sign requesting drivers slow down to 50 km/hr brought me back to reality. I hit the brakes, bringing the car down from its near-orbit as we savored the sight of the quaint village ahead. Just then, I caught a glimpse of a Latvian highway patrol's flashing lights in the rearview mirror. I'd been caught!

My heart pounded. Had he clocked me at 200 km/hr? Would he handcuff me? Haul me in to the station? Would they take me for a Cuban spy, and what would the inside of a Latvian jail be like, anyway?

Well, this particular copper must've thought he'd hit the jackpot. Seeing the fancy rental car, he approached with a swagger that would send shivers up your average serial killer’s spine. He wrote up the ticket and handed it over with a flourish, as if to say, "Gotcha, sucker!!!" When he demanded payment on the spot, I thought for sure we'd fallen into one of those speed-trap towns one hears about in the American South..... I'd better pay up quickly and not risk disappearing into the gulag!

As I nervously perused the ticket, I almost burst out laughing. The good cop had shown up too late: I'd been clocked at a mere 60 km/hr... and the penalty was the equivalent in rubles of about 10 cents! I quickly and happily paid up and he zoomed off, looking for other hapless tourists sailing through the vast emptiness of post-Soviet Latvia.

Comment by David Paul Appell on July 25, 2009 at 6:18pm

Today's "Cathy" was cute and a propos...

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